THE LORE

This synthesizer was found in a dumpster behind a cruise ship in Long Beach, wired to a polygraph and a half-empty bottle of crème de menthe.

The cruise director was demoted to basement custodian after misreading a passenger's 25th anniversary as their divorce party. He gave them a cake that said NEW BEGINNINGS in fondant. They have not been heard from since.

Now he sits in Evidence Locker B-7, twisting the knobs of regift forensics, identifying the body of every gift you wish you hadn't received.

— Submitted to the Maritime Gift Crimes Bureau, 1974